I needed to write this somewhere. I'm currently off of facebook until I write my exams .. who knows when that will be at this rate.
Warning: below is not suitable for the squeamish - but I needed to put it somewhere. This isn't for you, this is for me.


Yesterday around 320 pm my grandma died. She was 80 years old. I stood by her hospital bed with my arm around my mom, her only child, as they extubated her. I watched as mucous spewed from her mouth, only for it to clog her throat and take her last breaths as my sister sobbed from the other side of the bed. My dad, my brother, and my husband waited for us in the private room, allowing us these final moments as the girls. She was not in pain. It did not go on for long. When my mom commented on her poor colour, we looked up at the monitor to see her heart rate flatline. She hadn't taken a breath for awhile.. and I doubt the handful she did take once the tube was out were anything but mucous.

For all of my grandmother's ailments, she did not die of natural causes. She hit her head, and the hospital miss diagnosed the bleed in her brain. They sent her home with a headache, where she fell asleep and never woke up.

I tried hugging her as she lay in the hospital bed, her left foot twitching occasionally... but it wasn't her. It was a lifeless mound of flesh. Her eyes half open, half closed, bulging from her head (that was actually normal).. Her normally perfectly manicured nails scratched and chipped, her normally perfectly matching lips and hair lifeless and bare.

Before we left for her room for the last time, Tyler gave me his wedding band. I slipped it onto my thumb. He did it so he would know he was with me the whole time. I used my index finger to twist it anxiously. I tugged teasingly at his beard, trying to muster a grin only to bow my head and use my hair to cover my face in an attempt to stem the tears a little longer. I stood up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pushing his face into the crook of my neck.

Afterwards, I was in shock. Trying not to picture her gaping mouth, bulging eyes, and yellow skin. Trying not to remember the croak and bubble. I saw starring at a painting of purple irises surrounded by my family, so grateful they were there, so grateful to know they needed me as much as I needed them, but the painting really wasn't that good and it was crooked to the right. My brother is sick with feverish chills trying to find a way for his 5'10" frame to lie down on a 4' loveseat frame. We're discussing the plan for the upcoming week. I knew this was it. I knew she was going to die. But not this quick. When's the funeral? Do we do a funeral? How many days? Where? I can't concentrate. Everything's moving in slow motion. I had my exams deferred but won't have enough time to study for the deferred time so do I defer again? Tyler reassures me. Tyler soothes me. He said earlier, when it was just the two of us in the lobby.. that whatever I'm feeling is the right thing to feel. I know this. I've said this to other people. That's my line. As we leave the hospital, me with my mom to babysit my papa and the rest to Guelph or Owen Sound.. my sister hugs me and whispers "Be strong for mom". I know. As soon as things stop going in slow motion. Be strong. I'm standing in line with Tyler in the lobby getting a coffee for my mom. He's behind me, pressing his body against me, his arms wrapped around my waist, his mouth against my ear. He's whispering, turning me on, distracting me. I missed him. I'm so glad he's there. Fuck I love him. Fuck I miss him. It's our turn to order.

We're in the conference room. Everytime I try to talk I see my papa, and wonder if he understands what's about to happen. I listen as my mom and aunt hedge around it. I cry. I wipe my tears. I cry some more. I take my glasses off because I'm just going to keep crying anyways. At some point my brother leaves the room because it's too hard seeing how upset my papa is. Everytime I think I've stopped crying I see my papa, and I cry. Mom and aunt finally go off in Hungarian, and I know he'll understand now. And so he starts to cry. I'm squeezing Tyler's hand and leg. He squeezes back when he knows I want to say something but shouldn't. When We need silence. Aunt TseTsa looks over at me with tears streaming down her face and says "I don't want him to stay, I want to take him home, I don't want him here". She, him, and mom go to say good bye to Mama. The tears stop.

Mucous spews from her mouth. Gaping mouth. Yellow skin. Scratched off nail polish. Be strong.

Today I helped my mom write the rough draft for my Mama's death notice. Today my Papa knew who I was, and knew what was going on. Tomorrow, I go with my mom to see the funeral director. Tomorrow, I hope Papa still remembers.

324am

~Danie